Since I gave a distinctive name to a rock band, Collywobbles, exactly a month ago, it behooves me to create a dance craze that befits their style of playing real oldies. It is a simple matter to eliminate the dances already taken like the Bunny Hop, Bristol Stomp, Stroll, Twist, Swim, Frug, Cool Jerk, Loco-Motion, Majestic, Hustle, Monkey, Nitty Gritty, Pony, and Hitch Hike.
Because many of the people who remember these dances are over the age of 55, the Collywobbles need to invent a dance for those who still think young but whose arches are sprung. So roll out the barrel and let’s have a drum kit roll for …The Ramshackle.
Here are some sample lyrics:
If you like the oldies and are one too,
We’ve got the dance just for you.
Get out on the floor before your bones crackle
Wobble out there and let’s Ramshackle.
Lean over thus, like your joints are cracking,
Keep in time with your upper plate clacking.
Meno gals, a skirt that hobbles will do the trick:
Hide spider veins from every Tom and Dick.
The gimpy guys, swing your canes like a toy,
Now you’re doing it like a hobbledehoy.
Now pitch to the left and start to stumble,
Then twitch to the right before you tumble.
Bend forward now, not that limbo act,
Get ready to shout, “Oh, my back!”
Wiggle your hips, do it with verve,
Now you’ve pinched your sciatic nerve.
Stick out your double chins as you creep
Not too far or you’ll end up in a heap.
This is the hottest dance, believe me, dad,
You can use that solar-powered heating pad.
The Mouse is old and so is the Moose,
Shake it out here with your best masseuse.
Flimsy is in and so is shabby,
Suck in your cheeks and try to look crabby.
Don’t crumple now, lest we cackle,
Now you’re doing the real Ramshackle.
Keep moving those digits, those rheumatoid toes,
You can even double up on the ortho hose.
Even if you’re an Xer and like to step it,
Do the Ramshackle when you’re feeling decrepit.
We’re all rambling wrecks and rickety racks,
Just trying to laugh off those panic attacks.
Of course, it might be fitting if The Collywobbles themselves were born in the 1950s. Then they could collapse after performing their hit number at concerts, rise as one, and offer this coda: “We don’t collapse, forget the rumors. We don’t fall down, we go—Boomers!”