Who Stole the Stollen?

Abbott and Costello fans fondly remember how Bud and Lou raked in some kneaded dough from the loafing routine over 60 years ago. What tasty morsels those funnymen might cook up from all the delicious bakery items being offered in stores during the holidays. So let’s picture them working in Fields’ Department Store during the busy Christmas season. No, not Marshall Field’s–this store is owned by their foil in toil, Sid Fields.


Costello: Hey, Abbott. Today while I’m up on the third floor playing Santa Claus for all the kiddies in the toy department, what are you going to be doing down here in the kitchen? You’re not to be loafing again like you did last summer.

Abbott: Of course not. I’ll be making all the favorite recipes Mr. Fields and his customers love this time of year. They all want my special recipe for the best dessert of all.

Costello: Well, that’s great because I like fruitcake and–

Abbott: No, no. Not fruitcake. Stollen.

Costello: You stole the recipe? Now, Abbott, that’s not a nice thing­­ to do.

Abbott: Of course not. It’s my secret recipe.

Costello: For what?

Abbott:  Stollen. It’s my authentic recipe.

Costello: How can it be yours if you stole it?

Abbott: Not stole it. Stollen.

Costello: Let me smell your breath. What’s in it?

Abbott: Well, first you get some rum…

Costello: I thought so! What else?

Abbott: Well, I add some golden sultanas and some candied fruit jewels.

Costello: Sultanas and jewels? Who ordered this thing? The Queen of Sheba? What do you call this mess?

Abbott: Marzipan Stollen.

Costello: It’s getting worse and worse. You stole this recipe for this stuff and now you’re going to make it in Margie’s pan. Shame on you, Abbott!

Abbott: Costello, you don’t understand. I don’t put it in Margie’s pan. Marzipan goes in the loaf.

Costello: It gets worse all the time. Abbott, it was bad enough when you tried to stick stolen jewels in a cake so you can have the richest loaf in town but when you’re sticking my little Margie in a pan and shoving her in the oven like Hansel and Gretel, that’s going too far.

Abbott: Oh, I can’t talk to you –

Costello: Why don’t you make something sensible like pudding.

Abbott: I do make pudding.

Costello: What kind?

Abbott: Plum.

Costello: Plumbed? What do you eat it with? A pipe wrench?

Abbott: Don’t be silly. After you take the pudding out of the oven, you put it on a plate and pour sauce over it.

Costello: I bet there’s some rum in that sauce. What do you call the sauce?

Abbott: Hard sauce.

Costello: Hard sauce! How can you pour hard sauce?

Abbott: It isn’t hard! It’s creamy. It’s creamy, hard sauce.

Costello: Abbott, that does it! From now on, no more sampling of the rum before you come to the store.

Abbott: Oh, I can’t waste any more time with you. I’ve got to get these long johns ready to be baked.

Costello: Long johns? You’re putting your winter underwear in the oven?

Abbott: Certainly not. They’re going in the same time as the shortcakes.

Costello: Long johns and short cakes! Now you sound like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Why can’t you get an oven for just the middle-sized things like pies. I mean, even my sassy girlfriend Lena Genster likes pies.

Abbott: I know that. You see that tray over there? That’s hers. They’re mincemeat tarts.

Costello: She just likes them! She doesn’t want to be chopped up in them like Margie and your red flannels!

Sid Fields [Voice on the PA]: Costello, get up here. The kids are all asking for you. It’s time for you to get into your Santa Claus outfit. We’re keeping the big chair by the tree and toys warm for you.

Costello: Believe me, Mr. Fields, I’m on the hot seat down here already.

Sid Fields [Voice on PA]: And Abbott, remember how I like my favorite pastry. I like it very, very well done.

Abbott:  Mr. Fields, I was just about going to hand roll crisp kringle right now.

Costello: Oh, now you don’t! I’m getting out of here! Mr. Fields, get ready: one cold Kris Kringle coming right up! [Exits shrieking.]


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