Death on the Cheap

     Recently I received a solicitation from a funeral home outlining the benefits of pre-arranging my last rites and highlighting their *$5,000 complete funeral. The small print accompanying the asterisk explains what this minimum service does not include: vault, cemetery charges, clergy/church fees, newspaper notice, flowers, death certificates or prayer cards. There are undoubtedly additional caveats I would discover if I mailed in the postage-paid card requesting more information.

I wonder how long it will be before I will find in my mailbox an offer from a mortuary who will undercut competitors by offering a $4,000 package payable after death which is bereft of asterisks. Then I could compare my options between Pre and Post.

With Pre I get the minimum steel casket. Post might supply me with the Moses basket casket with multiple handles on all sides so they get me coming and going.

Pre offers the luxury of an on-site crematorium, a service which undoubtedly means more money. At no extra charge Post could allow survivors to pick up ashes after a complementary meal at The Embers Restaurant.

Pre provides 24-hour monitored security in the event some ghoul wishes to bodynap the carcass. Very likely posted outside Post’s headquarters/warehouse is a retired crossing guard who will not allow anyone to cross his path without saying the password: “What do you know, Joe?”

The photo of Pre’s bright, spacious parking area looks appealing because it was taken on a bright summer day, but what about cloudbursts and wintry evenings? Guests can always find shelter from the storm in Post’s deep underground garage, giving the departed assurance that no matter how depraved their existence, mourners can descend to their level.

Pre supplies snapshots and names of its *licensed funeral directors, **licensed funeral apprentices, and ***unlicensed funeral apprentices. Post will not qualify the qualifications of its employees, all of whom are almost certainly to be card-carrying graduates of the Hinchley and Trumbull School of Skullduggery.

Five will get you ten that when some of the hidden costs are revealed, Pre’s funeral will get you closer to ten grand than to five. At least with Post, four will get you six–six feet under.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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