Shapes of Things

“Whiskey’s Craft Revival,” which appears in the November 2014 Men’s Journal, praises the virtues of a handful of small distilleries now producing that classic spirit. The same adjective is employed for two of the four whiskeys pictured: Koval Millet has a “round, bright flavor” and Low Gap is described as a “smooth, round whiskey.”

Why does the taster select a modifier usually reserved for globes and balloons for a beverage? Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to use round in describing Bowlball Fillitup that comes in a crystal decanter with holes for thumb and two fingers and High Handicap in dimpled fifth jar with a corked tee for a stopper?

Let’s take the rough edges off the next big thing by shining a spotlight on “Crafty Mouthwashes.”

1) Gudgeon–Aged in balsa rain barrels for three weeks, this tangy antiseptic leaves the mouth with a clean, oblong feeling.

2) Inculpate–Distiller/refiner/coal miner Caleb Morrissey blends thymol, menthol, grain alcohol, and a proprietary mixture of boysenberry juice and pappy’s corn squeezings that deliver a sharp square dance flavor to the taste buds. Caleb’s promise: “It’ll cure what ails ya better than any ale that kills ya.”

3) Nonce–Clinically proved to reduce plaque, plague, ague, and achoo, this triple-malted trapezoid treat prevents gingivitis, freshens breath, and dissolves warts.

4) Glabella–Here is a barley-enhanced rinse loaded with ellipsoid piquancy that hits one between the eyes and the jaws simultaneously. Used thrice a day, a healthy swish kills germs between the teeth, around the gums, under the tongue, and over the rainbow.

Down what winding yellow brick switchback lined with rectangular greenbacks the trendy winds will blow is anybody’s guess, although I suspect that the words sung by today’s yes men will match those of Yes in 1972: “Roundabout.”


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