Though seasons change, one thing remains constant: It is almost impossible to walk through the aisles of stores without encountering some product bearing the words “As Seen on TV.” Each time I spot one of those phrases I think, “That’s a recommendation? That’s a condemnation! Get away as fast as your legs can move.” Put as much faith in those questionable gewgaws as you would in the following goods or services:
Jewelers who boast of having been family-owned since February.
A budget limousine service that offers six-passenger vehicles (three standing, three squatting).
A martial arts academy that promises to be the place “where families grow surly together.”
A foundation/basement specialist who offers “three hour service while you wade.”
The No Huddle-Speedy Handoff Finance Company that specializes in double reverse mortgages.
The Pull ‘Em Out Moving Company that brags “we do not require that all drawers be empty—we take care of that for you.”
The With-It Mulchers who deliver ground bark only in the fashionable shades of chartreuse and lavender.
The Way Up High Mudjackers whose slogan is “We raise your slabs till you raise the roof.”
An HVAC contractor who specializes in in-floor heating and open-door cooling.
The Semi-Clear Optical Center that has thousands of “nearly new and gently-used” contact lenses in stock.
A painting contractor whose slogan is “It’s never too late to paint,” then adds “Give us a call anytime between 10 and 3, June through September.”
A paper shredding service that also sells confetti.
The Smoke Gets in Your Eyes Fireplace Company.
The Stay Fit Pizza Restaurant that offers wafer-thin crust with two inches of cheese and toppings.
Charm Roofers whose motto is “We do it right the third time.”
A psychic who goes by the name of Kay Sera Sera.