A Real Pickle

Perhaps the fact that virtual reality has supplanted actual reality in many aspects of modern existence is the reason manufacturers are now accentuating the genuineness of their products right on the packages. Examples include Nutter Butter cookies “made with real peanut butter,” Keebler shortbread cookies “made with real pecans,” Stouffer chicken pot pies containing gravy “made with real cream,” and dozens of frozen pizzas “made with real cheese.” It is inevitable that soon this trend is going to get real cheesy.

Look for cartons of milk in dairy cases touted as coming “from real cows.”

The inner side of belts stamped “made with real leatherette.”

Tiny statues sold in dollar stores bearing stickers with the wording “Made in China of genuine resin.”

Plastic wrapping on chewy white bread unabashedly proclaiming “Made with really, really bleached flour.”

Singing commercials for vitamin tablets made from “really simple thiamine” employing the catchy slogan “Thimple Thiamine Thays ‘Buy These Please.’”

Potato chips proudly claiming to be baked in “real partially hydrogenated lard.”

Orange juice made from “real dehydrated derivatives.”

Shoes assembled with “100% authentic man-made materials by real robots.”

Breakfast cereal produced with “real fillers and chemical byproducts.”

Rag paper made from “real ragweed.”

Permanent flowers made from “real simulated silk in really hot houses.”

Granola bars infused with “real trans fats.”

Bottled water drawn from “real kitchen faucets.”

Chocolate candy “made with real caned sugar that has been genuinely scolded.”

Plates and glassware “made from real polypropylene.”

Pillows stuffed with “way, way down feathers from real foul fowls.”

Doubters of these coming changes are invited to tour automobile aisles of stores where they will find “real synthetic motor oil” or view movies contacting special effects “made with real computer-generated imagery.” Skeptics will become believers the day they reach into a cupboard and withdraw a box bearing the words “made with real artificial ingredients.”


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