Sizzle or Fizzle?

     Some of the magazines that cater to the carriage trade are currently featuring an advertisement for a stainless steel luxury watch which encourages readers to “feel it” as much as wear it. Because of its “natural frequencies inside,” customers report “better sleep, more relaxation, and overall improved well being.” Purchasers are invited to share their experiences at the company’s website. No attempt is made in the ad to describe the accuracy, reliability, or any other feature of the timepiece.

This may be the start of a new New Age trend:  promoting psychological benefits that have absolutely nothing to do with the primary function of the item. This novel application of the “sell the sizzle not the steak” maxim might lead to some very curious products.

Parading the Ooh-Ah radio before the public by promising that proximity to the set kindles emotions akin to the ecstasy of having someone scratch the back sounds seductive until one realizes that the effect works only on people named Slim Harpo.

The Get Way Down comforter sales pitch says nothing about its fill count or warming capabilities. It only suggests that users experience a “return to the womb” feeling curled up deep undercover. Complaints by users who have been unable to find their way out of the lair for periods lasting up to nine months will continue to be quickly deleted by the Way Down webmaster, providing he can get out of his own comfort zone.

Writers using the Scope Tip pen profess to have improved concentration and an enhanced ability to focus on the task at hand, namely, drafting a letter that begins “This piece of junk skips like my daughter playing hopscotch.”

Easy Pleasies, the breakfast cereal that claims to sound like a babbling brook when milk is added to the pillow-shaped tidbits so cares and concerns disappear with each mouthful, will find some diners easy to please, except among what the company calls malcontents who complain about ingesting tasteless balls of cotton.

Very Soft Touch, Inc. avers that customers using their Ethereal Bliss toilet tissue demonstrate better decision-making abilities. VST is currently trying to suppress home videos showing flummoxed users in bathrooms with pants about their ankles standing in front of rollers asking “Over, under, or in the waste basket? That is the question.”

Makers of weed killer Ground Down claim their consumers experience reduced feelings of tension and elevated levels of consciousness while spraying their yards.  The clients experiencing the least amount of stress are those who have sampled extensively from the bottles of dandelion wine they make themselves during the weeks following application of the product.

After installing the Mest thermostat, customers report deeper REM sleep and more satisfying dreams. Mest regards the 14, 350 complaints citing frigid eyelids opening and closing at periods coinciding with the cycles of furnaces to be isolated incidents.

According to Mighty Brighty, manufacturers of table lamps which automatically light when sensors detect movement nearby, satisfied buyers rave about improved memory and less feelings of anxiety within days of placing the Don’t Touch Me model in their homes. A contrarian opinion has been expressed by Dolores Daze in her memoir Where Was I When the Lights Came On?

Convincing the populace to purchase utilitarian articles which may or may not improve their mental state will not be an easy task. It remains to be seen how many people who “feel it” are willing to pay $2,000 for that glittering ticker from the Signature Collection based on promises of keeping peace inside the body when no assurance is given that it can keep time on the wrist. Picture the dilemma of the buyer who does fork over the two grand and then pays this price twice a year when the hour needs to be changed: “Do I spring ahead into nirvana or fall back into serenity?”






This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s