Past Imperfect 5

More speculations for revisionists to consider:

What if Hernando de Soto had become a surly fur trader who punched every customer in the midsection to seal transactions? Would the scuttlebutt among the unhappy Indians have been “After you see the grouchy skin dealer, tell them de Soto bent you”?

What if there had been a disagreement over a sash in 1750 when Thomas Walker came upon the spot where Kentucky, Virginia, and Tennessee converge? Would he have named the passage through the plateau the Cummerbund Flap?

What if Alberto Vargas had used burly wrestlers instead of curvy cuties for his models? Would he have been known as a pin-down artist?

What if a geek group had been founded in 1776 at William and Mary instead of the Greek-letter society Phi Beta Kappa? Would high-achieving students now be eager to join I Shredda Capon?

What if William Faulkner had been influenced more by the anecdotes of Morey Amsterdam than by Civil War stories? Instead of Yoknapatawpha County, would his novels been set in Yuckapuck country?

What if Jesse James had survived being shot from behind while cleaning a picture and been found with a feather duster in his hand? Would he have died immediately of embarrassment because he had been living in a dirty house?

What if the redistricting during Elbridge Gerry’s term as Governor of Massachusetts had looked like a rabbit popping out of a top hat instead of a salamander? Would such boundary-changing be known today as Gerryhattricks?

What if  Della Reese had become a designer of kitchen utensils instead of a singer? Would a photograph of one of her trucks on a bridge over the Hudson River be captioned “Della Ware Crossing the Washington”?








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One Response to Past Imperfect 5

  1. Awesome weirdness and weird awesomeness…

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