It continues to be almost impossible to walk through the aisles of stores without encountering some product bearing the words “As Seen on TV.” Whenever I spot one of those phrases I think, “That’s a recommendation? That’s a condemnation! Get away as fast as your legs can move.” Put as much faith in those questionable gewgaws as you would in the following goods or services:
The Second Story Burglar Alarm Company that boasts “We know the business inside and out.”
A car washing service that offers “hand buffing and foot buffeting.”
A carpenter whose slogan is “Let me design and build your nightmare.”
A caterer whose motto is “Eloquence. Style. Bonded.”
A chiropractor who “can’t wait to get cracking.”
A computer repairman who boasts “We troubleshoot or else we shoot the trouble.”
A cosmetic surgeon who specializes in earlobe transplants.
A physician who claims “New patients welcome, old patients tolerated.”
A drywall specialist who promotes textures Knock Down, Left Jab, and Right Uppercut.
Fence contractors whose creed is “We’re sometimes on the level.”
A florist who promises same month delivery.
A cremation service that invites customers to “come to us with your burning questions.”
A dietician who boasts “We’ve been trimming customers since 1995.”
A workout center that offers Pontius Pilates.
A lender who asks “Why pay less?”
Electricians who “infrared scam” all their work.
An insurance company that advertises “No one refused. Exceptions apply.”
The Carbon Dating Insurance Company that offers half-life policies.
A kitchen designer whose services include “Build. Remodel. Repair. Renege.”