For Services Tendered

      The most intriguing part of a job description usually comes at the end and  is worded something like “Send résumé and salary requirements to…” In this economy when a vacancy can easily attract hundreds of applicants, I wonder how many candidates are immediately disqualified from further consideration by inserting a  salary figure significantly above minimum wage. But I wonder even more about how the rich and famous might fare in the crowded workplace if an interviewer responded to their requests.

     Major League Baseball player: “I have no doubt you were a key man in the rotation and could fire sliders at 86 miles an hour. We have nothing available at 14 million a year. Have you considered rotating tires? How about grilling sliders at Gus’s Grab and Go? We have no need for someone who can deliver a chopper up the middle with men in scoring position. How about delivering chop suey at Ming Ling’s? No, I know of no employer who values the ability to dive into the hole and make a sure throw to kill a rally, but Joe’s Plumbing needs an assistant who can dive into a flooded basement and plug a leak.”

     Rock star: “After viewing the DVD you submitted, I definitely believe you have the talent of prancing around a stage in your underwear while wailing at the top of your lungs, but we have no one currently wishing to book concerts at $125,000 per gig. Since you can out-scream anyone, how about a daycare center at the Dennis the Menace Bemusement Park?”

     National Football League player: “Decking a quarterback and pounding a wide receiver to the turf may have been worth 7.5 million a year to your former team, but that’s out of our league. Say, here’s something. How are you at putting up decks and pounding nails?”

     Movie star: “I know you received 12 million plus points for standing in front of a camera, talking soft, and making faces, but this is light-years from Hollywood. The closest we can get to that is installing soffit and fascia for Glitzy Renovators. No, storming through sets having fits, taking no sides while chewing the scenery earns no points here unless you can convert that to fitting storm windows and putting on vinyl siding while eating your lunch at the same time.”

     Professional consultant: “Drawing up organizational charts and showing businesses how to cut costs and rake in extortionate profits may be worth $250,000 to some companies. There is nothing in that line here. How about cutting grass and raking leaves for Budget Bud’s Landscapers? It’s a great fit for someone like you who has taught managers to give employees the cold shoulder by mercilessly cutting personnel because Bud keeps you going in the winter shoveling walks and building snowmen.”

     National Basketball Association player: “You are known for knocking down three-pointers and dogging it on defense for $6 million a season. How good are you at knocking down walls for Don’s Demolition? How about walking dogs at $8.25 an hour?”

     Corporate executive: “Your primary skill consists of delegating tasks to those below you and your work history shows a pattern of leaving before the stench becomes unbearable. Hmmm. No, I have nothing that offers a buyout option of $3.7 million with a lifetime benefits package. How about sewer supervisor?”

     Fashion designer: “You are adept at convincing an unquestioning public that giving their wardrobe a fresh look periodically is a pressing concern. 11 million a year is out of the question. How about a job at the Get With It Dry Cleaners?”

     Racecar driver: “You expect $750,000 a year because you can keep up with the flow and finish with the best of them? Not here, but this will get you on the fast track to a paycheck: packing groceries at the Lickety-Split Market.”

     After talking with the elite crowd who exist in a fantasy world, the interviewer may not be at all surprised by the spirited visitor who hops into the office and simply asks, “What’s up, Doc?” With a smile the interviewer replies, “Yes, Bugs. We can meet all your celery requirements.” 



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