In the spring when I received a new insurance card I noticed that there was a second card in an adjacent perforated area with just three words on it: Intentionally Left Blank. I immediately punched out both cards and put the insurance card in my wallet. As I was about to discard the other card, I wondered if it might have some utilitarian value. Surely in this age where plastic speaks louder than cash, flashing a white badge of commerce must grant its bearer some privileges.
After three months of experimentation and research, I have discovered that this card will entitle its user to enjoy:
–a free copy of any fashion magazine that contains a spread featuring “the Minnie Pearl Look.”
–discounts on box seats at any World Series games held in Wrigley Field.
–admission to any museum of natural history with a fossilized cotton candy exhibit.
–the introductory lesson at the Rambling Wreck Dance Salon.
–exclusive parking perks at all Olympic events held in 2015.
–an invitation to all Tarzan yell competitions conducted in public libraries.
–priority seating at the Tucson Grunion Run.
–vouchers worth $10 in chips good at any casinos in the Amana Colonies.
–six-point door handle inspection during the 25th oil change at ZipZip Lube.
–free train rides at any of the much lesser Lesser Antilles.
–complimentary surfboard waxing at the Fort Yukon Catch a Wave Festival.
–pitchers of hot chocolate at any B&B on the Las Vegas Strip during August.
–coupons good at most stores in the Mall of Tierra del Fuego.
–waived entry fee at any crawlathon longer than three miles.
–exclusive sepia map showing all the uncovered bridges in Indiana.
–remodeling estimate for any two closets by In the Dark Makeovers.
I suggest to the Commissioner of Major League Baseball that, to speed up the game, a pitcher who wishes to walk a batter should simply hand him one of these cards rather than throw four balls outside the strike zone. The phrase “issuing an intentional pass” has already been around for decades. Let’s suit the word to the action.
Somehow, I don’t think my proposal will get to first base.