Country Doctor

     While looking at the July/August Country Living recently, my attention was not drawn to the 87 fresh takes on farmhouse style or fantastic furniture priced from $65 or any of the other features trumpeted on the cover and contents pages. What stuck me most was that 20 of the first 82 pages advertised drugs designed to combat heartburn, osteoarthritis, atrial fibrillation, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, rheumatoid arthritis, and diabetic nerve pain.

     I wondered then, “When did the magazine become Country Care Giving?” And now I ask myself, “How long will it be before advertising mingles with editorial?” Articles in coming months may very well offer tidbits such as:   

Do not leave blinds down on our country cottage for more than 14 days unless directed by your interior decorator. 

Most common side effects of FMS (Flea Market Syndrome) are insomnia over passing on that rickety dresser and increased sweating over how much you paid for that pelican lamp. 

Chew sowbelly crullers completely. Do not take on an empty stomach. Best ingested with the eyes tightly closed. 

In some cases, pretty party favors in the shape of congealed clabber have increased the risk of nausea and unanswered telephone calls. 

If you have taken in more urban air than prescribed by your employer, contact your HR department immediately to apply for a rustic leave of absence. 

If you miss a dose of paddling around the lake, do not double up the next day. Instead, rock gently for a while on a porch hammock until your body rhythm swings to a bucolic beat. 

Store your horseshoes at room temperature and out of the reach of children addicted to the sound of ringers in the night. 

Before making a patchwork quilt, consult with your spouse about the risks of shredding jackets, shirts, and pants stealthily removed from closets. 

When refinishing primitive furniture, common side effects include distressed looks on wood surfaces and faces of guests. 

Radishes picked from your garden may not be right for you. Before swallowing whole, prime yon picturesque pump and fill a quaint oaken bucket with cool water. 

Who should NOT take paint and brush into the cabin: Anyone who thinks a perfect palette is orange and cerise. 

Antidepressant urges can increase the desire to stack shelves with Mason jars and ceramic cows. 

Elderly rubes are at a greater risk to rub hands over a potbelly stove and mutter, “By cracky!” 

Do not drink hard cider while gathering nuts in May. Dizziness has been reported among those tiptoeing through the tulips. 

It is not known if rubbernecking in the barn loft is safe or effective for children under the spell of fresh-cut hay. 

Those suffering from chronic low back pain should consult with burly lawn care providers before installation of decorative urns and fountains. 

To decrease bone loss, build this cottage-flavored doghouse complete with miniature fence to keep neighboring pooches from poaching. 

In clinical studies, planting black bugbane next to ostrich fern increased the risk of needing to take antipsychotic medicine. 

Until you know how rural life affects you, you should not drive a riding mower with steer horns mounted on the front or operate hazardous machinery like solar-powered butter churns.

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