The Curse of Fame

On facing pages in the May/June 2011 AARP magazine are brief interviews with Albert Brooks and Jodie Foster in which both performers use vulgar words that the editors of the magazine have partially obscured with dashes. Couldn’t Brooks and Foster, among the more literate members of the filmmaking community, have found a more articulate way to express their sentiments? Have we reached the point in our barely civilized society when celebrities cannot answer six questions without resorting to billingsgate? Apparently not.

What if the stars of yesteryear had reacted to queries in the blankety-blank style of 2011?

Interviewer: Any thoughts on love?    
Jennifer Jones: Love is a many-#$*^>~ thing.       
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Interviewer: What are your plans after you finish To Catch a Thief? 
Grace Kelly: I know that some *&@#^ day my *@#*%^ prince will come.
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Interviewer: And how does your garden grow?        
Katharine Hepburn: Those #*&%@% calla lilies are in bloom again. 
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Interviewer: As a connoisseur of fine art, how would you describe your current collection?      
Vincent Price:  *@$%^# abominable, but it’s not the ~*&+># comedy of terrors it used to be.    
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Interviewer: What memories do you have of making From Here to Eternity?    
Deborah Kerr: I’m still picking %^$~# sand out of my &*%>#.
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Interviewer: What is your philosophy of life?     
Doris Day: Whatever will %^$&# be, will ^%&#* be.
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Interviewer: Are you superstitious after that accident during the making of your current movie?    
Gregory Peck: Yes, I am. I think it’s a ^>%*# omen.
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Interviewer: What can you tell us about your next film adventure?               
Greer Garson: That #%*@ Gable’s back, and I’ve got to put up with the #^*>.
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Interviewer: How did you feel after shooting on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was over?    
Fredric March: Free–^#*~@ free at last.
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Interviewer: What was it like working with Rex Harrison on My Fair Lady?                                                                                                                                             Audrey Hepburn: ^&*%$# loverly. There’s no *^%# about him. I could’ve have danced all &^%<# night with that ^*%>#.
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Interviewer: How do you respond to those people who claim Harvey is too fantastic to elieve?         
James Stewart: Walla, all I gotta say is this: If Harvey wasn’t real, why did we get rabbit ^&%># all over our ~^*%> shoes when we left the %<#* set?
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Interviewer: How would you compare your films as Sherlock Holmes to your recent appearances in movies directed by Roger Corman?         
Basil Rathbone: With Holmes, it was ^&~#* elementary. Now I’m doing alimentary ^*>#~.
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Interviewer: Who do you consider your biggest fans?         
Betty Grable: Those ^&*~ perverts who sit in the front rows trying to get a peek at my &^>#.
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Interviewer: What lessons about life did you learn while working on Lost Horizon?                                                                                                                                         Ronald Colman: I would say, not to take any *%^# from anyone who doesn’t believe in %^#<* moderation.
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Interviewer: In conclusion, have you got anything else to say?     
Gary Cooper: #@$>~ nope. 
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     Nope, that’s not the way the movie greats would have responded to questions. Instead, the answers would have been along the lines of “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth” with expletives not needed rather than deleted or disguised.

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