The Write Stuff

     Almost everyone has seen the advertisements in magazines promoting the Ernest Hemingway Collection. Those ads encourage consumers to “Live the Legend” by purchasing everything from furniture and flooring to shoes and planters, all inspired by the writings of the famous novelist. Why should Ernie’s heirs reap all the profits from the value of an author’s name? For those constantly following the vacillating arrow pointing to “What’s next?” I offer the suggestions listed below.

John Milton Collection–Pairs of dice that come with a magnifying glass in case they get lost.

William Faulkner Collection–Lamps that provide adequate light only in August.

James Herriot Collection–Stuffed animals that come in two sizes: great and small (no medium).

Edmond Rostand Collection–Oversized handkerchiefs.

John Steinbeck Collection–Dust-colored bowls most suitable for holding clusters of grapes.

Oliver Goldsmith Collection–Cumbersome stools and ottomans that require considerable stooping to conquer.

Dorothy Parker Collection–Coils of decorative rope wonderfully made in just one length: enough.

Theodor Seuss Geisel Collection–Chapeaus for felines.

Edgar Allan Poe Collection–Envelopes for philatelists, all with cancelled stamps and all guaranteed to have been pilfered.

Stendahl Collection–Clothing for women in two colors: red or black.

Vladimir Nabokov Collection–Exclusive line of stoves that glow with a pale fire.

Evelyn Waugh Collection–Small vacuum cleaners which pick up just a handful of dust.

Mark Twain Collection–Exclusive line of exterior paints that come in ten shades of white and are most suitable for clapboard houses and fences.

Terence Rattigan Collection–Tables which cannot be purchased as a set; they must be ordered separately.

Marcel Proust Collection–Reverse fortune cookies which contain messages about events that happened in the past.

Henrik Ibsen Collection–Dollhouses with doors that close with a distinctive slam.

Anthony Burgess Collection–Wall clocks available in one color: orange.

Wilkie Collins Collection-Designer jewelry, specializing in moonstones.

Nathaniel Hawthorne Collection–Chenille letters suitable for display on jackets or sweaters. One color choice (scarlet), one letter choice (A).

Horatio Alger Collection–Bundles of rags and booklets describing how to turn them into riches.

William Shakespeare Collection–Double boilers that resemble cauldrons and letter openers in the shape of daggers with the handles always turned toward the hands.

Wallace Stevens Collection–Guitars that are available in many shades of blue.

H.G. Wells Collection–Unique navigational devices that show people where they have been and where they are going but not where they are.

James M. Cain Collection–Door chimes which, no matter how many times the outside button is pushed, always ring twice.

Jack Kerouac Collection–Sleep alert headsets that warn nodding motorists in a loud voice, “Get back on the road!”

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